For my birthday, my parents got me some Spam Singles™ as a joke. When I was in High School I had a Spam shirt that I wore frequently. I decided to actually try the Spam because for some reason I don't want to go my whole life without trying Spam. It was extremely terrible. The smell alone when sliding the oozing "fully cooked meat product" out of the packaging almost made me reverse my decision to actually attempt to consume any of it, but I had to press on. I decided it would be best to pan fry the product so it would at least be warm and have some texture. It needed no cooking oil, for the provided mucusy membrane the Spam Single™ was packaged in was enough to keep it from sticking to the pan. Once cooked I was going to put it on some bread and have a Spamwich, but I thought I needed to try it first. I took a bite off the corner. It was soft and malleable in my mouth. Like a warm paste, the meat formed on my tongue and teeth. I wasn't chewing, I was molding. The taste was salty but also sweet. I had to remind myself this was meat. I almost spit it out but no one gets this far only to quit. I had to swallow. It took a considerable ammount of effort to convince myself that the prominent "USDA Approved" logo on the package wasn't forgery and that I could successfully consume this product. I swallowed. I instantly needed something to override the taste that was in my mouth so in went a handfull of pine nuts and a shwig of cranberry juice. Sadly (or not) I tossed out the rest of the Spam. Why'd you have to buy me two mom? The best part of the whole thing was the marketing on the front of the package that states "Get Ready to go to Crazy Tasty Town℠!"
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